So… A few weeks ago I was carrying groceries into the house on a cold blustery night. I had the brilliant idea to walk a few more steps into the dining room and put the bags on my table instead of the floor. I impress even myself with my genius sometimes… This is roughly what it looks like when I’m carrying groceries in:
Carrying all the groceries in one trip… That right there is me… Not actually me because I haven’t bought anvils in a really long time..Source: humor-kings.com via Katty on Pinterest
Still wearing my only decent pair of winter shoes (leather with a small and stable heel), I headed to the table. Second step off the rug and the ice and snow on the bottom of my shoe proved too slippery against my wood floors. I fell forward with arms filled with grocery bags raised to the heavens and crashed onto my knees in a vain attempt at saving the groceries, but alas, the dining room chairs were in the way and the bread got smashed. My right ankle was at an uncomfortable angle and my left knee was throbbing. I ended up with one huge bruise on my left knee and one small bruise on my right and a gimpy ankle for a few days… Behold the grace and elegance that is Lindsey…
Less than two weeks later I was at my in-laws’ house for a Schonberg Ladies’ night. We do wild and crazy things like eat supper and talk and eat dessert and talk and play games and talk. I tell embarrassing and borderline inappropriate stories about myself. It’s fantastic! We were all there but one of my sister-in-laws, who was running late. As we sat down to eat without her, (because we’re nice, but not that nice) we thought we heard a revving of an engine. (For you non-Northerners, the revving of an engine=a vehicle stuck in the snow trying to get out) We’re out in the country, but sound travels far on a cold still night. Someone looked out the window and didn’t see headlights, and the sound stopped, so we carried on figuring it was maybe coming from the neighbors. A few minutes later we heard the sound again. I and another sister-in-law decided to go out and see if help was needed. I was wearing the same shoes I had been wearing when I slipped in my dining room, because I’m smart like that. It was very very dark out and we had just had a nasty ice/snow/wind storm thing a few days earlier so everything was super icy. I called to my SIL and she answered that she was ok but stuck on ice and was making her long slow walk up the driveway. I think I had quit walking, maybe not, but in an instant I was flat on my back staring up at the trees and the black sky turned white and I bit my lip hard enough to bleed. The only thought that went through my head was, “This is going to hurt.” I don’t remember if I yelled, screamed or sang the hokey pokey for the next few moments… My poor SIL (the one who came with to the rescue of our other SIL) was behind me and watched the whole thing happen and wanted to come help, but she had forgotten her ice climbing boots at the base of Mount Everest (I can’t remember the number of times I’ve reminded her to not leave her footwear at the base of the mountain.) so she would’ve been victim number two of the dastardly driveway. I flipped onto all fours (more like slowly and awkwardly somehow ended up on all fours) and crawled off the driveway into the snowy yard and gingerly pulled myself up. Then gingerly walked back to the house. The back of my head hurt and my shoulder blade was aching, but I was surprisingly mostly pain free.
Then I woke up the next morning.
For the love of all things right in this world. I’m used to pain. I get migraines. I’ve had four babies without an epidural. I’ve watched every episode of Dora the Explorer. I know pain. It felt like a huge donut of fire (which, yeah, I’d totally eat that. I mean it’s still a donut!) was around my neck. My head felt like it weighed 2 tons and my neck could barely support it. I had to lay against the couch to support my head every so often. I was a real-life bobble head doll. My tailbone hurt. My ears even hurt. It hurt to swallow. I can be a little, um… Let’s say dense (I prefer stoic, but dense is probably closer to the truth.) It took me until that evening to call the doctor’s office and make an appointment the next day. I was moving like a sloth and had the mental capability of one too, but I made it up to the doctor’s office. After only a 30 minute wait, diagnosis: whiplash and probably a mild to moderate concussion. Again, I amaze myself sometimes. Quite the overachiever. Gave myself a concussion and whiplash! All by myself! Didn’t even need a car crash! Or full contact sport! The doctor gave me really strong pain killers and muscle relaxers. The pain got so bad the next day I took all three prescriptions he gave me and with all three of those percolating in my blood stream, the only thing I could remember hurting worse was labor. Nine days later and 2 miracle massages from my lovely, dear, dear friend who is an unbelievably amazing massage therapist, I went almost a whole day without taking a pill. And I can turn my neck side to side without excruciating pain. Progress, people. Progress.
So yeah, winter is totally trying to kill me. I’m determined to not let that happen, so the nasty shoes are packed up until spring and I am being way more cautious. I look like a crazy person shuffle-walking on any surface that might be icy and I am okay with that.