When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary

It’s late. I should be in bed. I should post something Christmasy. My heart and soul are heavy though. I’m sick, burned out, worn out, frustrated, sad and depressed. I fall so short as a wife, a mother, a friend, a daughter, a blogger, a picture taker, a homemaker, just as a human. All this responsibility heavy upon my back. My failures taunting me.  The little hands pulling at me, climbing on me, screaming in my ear, making messes. Everyone needing something from me. Bills to pay, budget to balance, a never ending To-Do list, a husband traveling (again) for work with no notice. Cancel plans, make new plans for single parenting it (again). Re-re-prioritize what I can actually get done by Christmas and still stay sane. (quit laughing… Sane for me) Alone, alone, alone… Poor poor me. Meanwhile friends are losing babies, trying to not lose babies, husbands are cheating and leaving, life altering accidents, serious financial issues, sick children, even death. And on and on. I know we’re not supposed to compare. But I do. Poor me and my minutiae of inconvenience and unmet expectations. I don’t deserve to feel bad when there’s actually real crises going on in other peoples’ lives!  I feel bad that I feel bad. So pile that bad feeling on top of everything else and welcome to Crazyville, I’ll be your tour guide! Here’s the deal though. To all those who feel like they’re in crisis without an actual “crisis” and thus feel like their stress or depression or sadness or overwhelmed feeling isn’t valid:

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12 (NASB)

Unmet expectations= hope deferred. Hope deferred= heart sick. It’s real and it’s valid. Even without the big shiny crisis headline. Sometimes we just need to readjust our expectations. That’s not settling or giving up, that’s called maturity. Sometimes we just need to grieve. Sometimes we just need to be sad, that’s called reality. It is okay to feel sad, to feel angry. I see (and have experienced) this pressure to gloss over the unpleasant. To minimize the negative. “Hurry up and get back to being happy! You should never be less than joyful or that makes you ungrateful, selfish, worldly and lacking in faith!”  Yes, sometimes people can get trapped navel-gazing and focusing on the negative for too long and ignoring the good. But sometimes, often times, people just need the freedom to be sad for a while. To grieve. To mourn. To process. To heal.

Sometimes daily life can be overwhelming. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back, not a boulder. Rabbit trail here… I hate the phrase “God never gives you more than you can handle.” Ugh!!! It’s not biblical, for one thing… Secondly, if you could handle everything, there’d be no need for God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit or prayer! In my weakness He is strong. In my inability, His ability shines through so all the glory is His… Back to regularly scheduled ramblings…

So this is me, in all my internet given powers, granting you (and me) the freedom to be sad, overwhelmed, angry, or depressed. For a time. Not for forever. (If it doesn’t go away or improve, or you have thoughts or urges to hurt yourself or others, please talk to a Pastor or Doctor or Mental Health Professional. For realz) It’s okay to cry over your situation. It’s okay to be mad about your situation. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. You and I need to hear this though: it will get better. Things will change: sometimes it’s the circumstance, sometimes it’s our perspective. Light will come to the darkness. This situation is not for forever. And when I’m bawling my eyes out all alone in a darkened room long after the kids are asleep, I’m not really alone. Neither are you. God sees us and knows our hearts and loves us still. He doesn’t shush(or shoosh? that’s a weird one to spell out…) or criticize or toss out cliches. He’s not disappointed in us. He comforts and heals but we have to admit we need the comfort and the healing in order to receive it.

Whether you’ve been smacked by a boulder of crisis or just had your straw pile grow too large and break your back (yeah, I totally just called you a camel. Twice! You’re welcome), I pray for you to receive God’s comfort and love and also the freedom to mourn and grieve for a season. There will be a morning though that the joy will break through and a new season will start. You can make it until then, just trust in Him, that is what I’m doing: what I have done and God has never let me down.

Psalm 22:24-For He has not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; nor has He hidden His face from (me); but when (I) cried to Him for help, He heard.

Psalm 116:1-2 – I love the Lord, because He hears my voice and my supplications. Because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore I shall call upon Him as long as I live.

Psalm 30:5- Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning.

And Noel is home now from his trip. He hasn’t left again. I started this post while he was gone, just didn’t want anyone confused

This first song you might know from Josh Groban singing it, but Selah wrote it and their version is AMAZING! albeit a slightly cheesy video…