An old friend kissed the bride

This time of year is so wonderful for so many reasons. The last six weeks of the year are always so exciting and hope-filled. Celebrating Jesus’ birth. Christmas music, family getting together, people being kinder to each other, the food, the treats, the stuffing. Did I mention the food? Unfortunately there is a darker side to this end-of-the-year excitement. It’s difficult for me to even write about it. It can’t be ignored though. So, I’m putting on my big girl boots and wading in. Here goes…

There is a scourge on our society. I think it began in the ’60s, maybe the ’70s. I’m not really sure and it’s just so disturbing that I can’t even bring myself to research it more… What am I talking about? Have you any guesses? Here’s a hint: it involves horribly unnatural things that no person should have to bear seeing. Disgusting, horrific things. Ok, I’m just going to be blunt. I’ve always been horrible at being subtle. I’m talking about….

Jack frost1

Oh. Shudder. Shiver.

The dry heaves.

My eyes!

The heart racing, adrenaline rush inducing horror of claymation.

Did you guess correctly?

I’m 100% serious. Claymation. Forget waterboarding for torture! This right here is the ticket!  I’d sell out my family if you forced me to watch claymation.

I didn’t realize my completely rational fear of claymation until I was in highschool and I went to the theater with some friends to see the movie “James and the Giant Peach.” I somehow didn’t know that clay was involved. I watched most of the movie from behind my fingers (meaning I basically just listened to the movie. Like an audiobook.) Occasionally peeking out to see if the horror had lessened-it hadn’t! Kind of killed my punk-rock image. Just a little.

From what I can remember, I think I watched Jack Frost at too young an age and it was just too scary and sad and that attached to my brain under the heading “All claymation.” I’m slightly curious as to what would happen to me if I actually tried to sit through Jack Frost again. I think I’d have to have a bucket and Depends on.  I suffered through the early Wallace and Gromit videos because they were such fun stories, but I could taste bile the entire time. The newer, smoother claymation isn’t so bad, but still, total bile taste.

Have you noticed how so many of the “classic” Christmas movies are clay? Rudoph and the Santa movies and of course Jack Frost. And…. Sorry, I blacked out and lost my train of thought. I can’t remember what I was saying. I can’t even start with Gumby and Mr Bob… Breathe… Breathe…

My fingers are literally shaking right now. Shaking! Just from finding the stupid picture I posted here and talking about it.

I can hold my own in many uncomfortable situations. I’m a tough chick. Have Rudolph playing on your television? You will see absolute panic in my eyes. You will see my soul die a little.  I will run from the room and try not to throw up. For real. Because of the profusion of channels playing and replaying so many Christmas related claymation movies this time of year, nowhere is safe. Except my home. They’re forbidden. My kids don’t even know they exist. So, if  I’m not alone in this totally reasonable phobia, know that my home is safe. I think there should be a hand shake for people who have claymation free homes so we can identify each other. So we can make informed decisions about accepting or declining invitations to Holiday parties or even just dinner during this time of year. So we don’t have to brace ourselves in case of surprise-claymation movies. If you surprise me with a claymation movie, I probably won’t trust you anymore. Just so you know.

So, am I alone in this?

Am I crazy?

Can we make it stop?

Can someone create new Classics?

Pretty please?

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving and may your day be claymation free!

 

PS- the post title is a quote from Jack Frost…

That shows the depths of my love and commitment to you all!

 

 

He lives

From fear to faith. From questioning to understanding truth. From tears to triumph. From disappointment to deliverance. Jesus died an innocent man. He willingly took what should have been our punishment. Buried under the weight and stench of all … [Continue reading]